Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola