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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
we’re dead?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*