If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Jogging has never helped my memory.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I think we should hear other voices.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.