I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
SPLOOT
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?