there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science