[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
(True)
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this