The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.