I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
the simulation is moving too fast
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?