I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch