bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys