My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development