“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.