*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
.. do you even science?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*