Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two