People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
all bases covered
Where is your GOD now????
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!