me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
WWE is French for “yes”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store