If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
You Might Also Like
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Feels
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle