Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
What the hell is going on?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.