forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!