1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.