Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot