I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.