if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Sign at work today
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”