Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
🤣🤣
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?