[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You Might Also Like
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I would move hell over six inches for you
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”