WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
How to woo a woman
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Room with a view.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”