Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mad Max: Furry Road
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime