“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
plums roundup
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
two people or more is called a problem
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
True?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up