Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
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ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.