The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit