Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
This is a bad sign
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops