Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Perfection.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]