Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Happy weekend !
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor