Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me too
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.