I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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oh shit
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.