[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”