Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.