Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first