Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
🙁
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Self-cleaning conscience
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class