I only treason on days ending in y
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Ghost costume 😂
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.