I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.