Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Hell yeah 👍
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
good let them take over I have had enough
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.