how high up are we talkin’?
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”