professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.