“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Happy Friday