[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You Might Also Like
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
This is painfully accurate 😅
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.