Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Hot Hot Hot
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?