Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.