hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
podcasts
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
For the baby who has everything
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason