Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
We avoided this particular disaster
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.